A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
