First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
