i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
