I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
