Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
