Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
