it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
