The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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