Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
