New low: just hacked my moms facebook
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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