do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
