It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
