apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
