6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
