Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
