First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
