in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
