I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
