I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My bed smells like the plague
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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