I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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