I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
