After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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