FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
