I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
