I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
