I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
