Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
