who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
