if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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