I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
