im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
