I looked at my own cervix.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
