Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
