I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
