I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
