I just threw up on my dentist
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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