So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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