does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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