It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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