You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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