I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
