I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
