Someone shit on the floor
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
