the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
