you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
