After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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