she looked like the before picture.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
