Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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