she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
