So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
porn star boner night. come get it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
