I swear she didn't look like that last week.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
