FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
